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Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after.
He went fishing and hunting as much as he wanted and played golf a lot and drank beer all day long and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
Best Bait for Geat Catch
The reporter asks the winners of a Fishing Contest what their secret is:
3rd place winner - I am a surgeon, Once I tried to catch with human appendix, fish liked it,
I caught a lot of pike, carp and chub with it.
2nd place winner - I also work in a hospital and specialize in Adenoid glands removal. I also tried once
to fish with glands with great success. The results far exceeded the expectations.
Perch, crucian carp, sunfish loved the glands.
Question to the winner: you must also be a doctor?
The contest winner - Oh, you're going to be laughing...
I am a rabbi in the local synagogue, I do circumcisions every day...
The fisherman can sit for 2 hours, looking at the float, without moving, and he does not have enough nerves to wait just for 5 minutes while his wife is dressing up.
Father shark teaches his son how to eat a human:
First you swim around one time so that a human can see you,
Then you make another circle, but closer, and then you attack and swallow a human.
Little shark asks: "Can't I just attack and swallow? Why make two circles?"
Father responds: "You can, but then you will be eating with shit"
A man is sitting, looking at the float. He sits for one hour, two hours. At the end of third hour the wife comes into the bathroom:
"All right, hell with you!" Go fishing, because I need to use a bathroom!
Quiet when fishing!
Stop screaming like crazy.
Don't you see I am fishing here.
Please be quite or you will scare all fish away.
No Big Difference!
If you have enough beer and with a good company you get to the nature then there is already no big difference: either picking mushrooms with the fishing rod or picking fish into the mushroom basket.
Fisherman Never Lie!
A fisherman comes home from fishing.
- Look dear what a catch I have today.
- Well, well, a neighbor saw you go into the fishing store...
- Who? Me? Of course I did, today.s catch was so good so I had to sell part of it.
Going fishing is not always easy
The husband is going fishing, his wife grumbles at him:
- Going fishing again, I bet you'll be back late, completely drunk and without fish.
The doorbell rings at 3am in the morning. The wife opens the door and faces her drunken husband.
He says - See, you jinxed me, are you happy now?
Why three? One is enough!
A fisherman went fishing and caught a mermaid.
She appeals to him with a mellow voice:
- "If you let me go I'll perform three of your wishes."
The fisherman looked at the beauty and said:
- "I only have one wish but will you do it three times?..."
A fisherman wearing a full fishing outfit runs into his buddy on the street.
- "Where are you going the friend asks surprised. There is a two month ban on fishing in effect now."
- "Well, so what, my wife is not aware of it!"
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today
The boss asks "Why?"
And the guy says "It's my eyes"
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss
"I just can't see myself coming to work, so
I'm going fishing instead"...
Most Wanted Good Woman
- Get married for the duration of the crisis.
- Speak softly.
- Can prepare delicious meals.
- Have nothing against fishing.
- And NEVER have a headache.
Most of all say lies before Elections, Sex and after Fishing.
Mike had terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the burning sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the salesman,
- "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
- "Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
- "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
- "Okay, but I suggest that you take the Red Snapper."
- "But why?"
- "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take Red Snapper. She would like to have it for dinner tonight."
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a whole day.
But teach a man how to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Fishing or Sex?
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when realized that fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him: "What you had to do to be able to come fishing? What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "Nothing. I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Don't forget to wear a sweater".
Everything Did Wrong
Wife after returning from fishing trip with husband to neighbor:
"I did everything all wrong again today --
- I forgot his lucky fishing lure at home.
- I talked too much and too loud.
- I used the wrong bait.
- I reeled in too soon and WORST of all I caught more fish than he did.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
"The Worst day of fishing is better than and still beats the Best day of work"
The Fishing Trip
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
- (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
- "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me about wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Hard to find
Two guys from Kings County are quietly sitting in a fishing boat sucking down beer when suddenly first guy says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Second guy sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are extremely hard to find."
Any weather is good for a fishing.
One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made. Coming out - the rain is pouring down, the snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.
Minutes later he comes back into the house, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible".
To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"
Tampons for $3.25?
A young boy applied for a job at a department store. The store manager said: "We are looking for somebody with sales experience but we're having a holiday sale tomorrow and you can give it a try." At the end of the day the manager checked the day sales and was shocked, the boy had sold $79,083.25 worth of merchandise.
He asked the boy how he did it and his replied: "Well this guy was going fishing so I asked if he wanted some fish hooks. He said sure. That's $1.00. I asked if he had a nice fishing pole. He said no and got a graphite pole for $44.00. I asked if he had a nice reel. He said no and I got him a reel for $35.00. I asked where he will be fishing and he said White Lake. I said the best places to fish are near the center, and when he said he didn't have a boat, I set him up with a 30 foot cruiser for $28K. I asked if he had a trailer. He didn't, so I got him a double axle trailer for $3K. Then I asked what he had to tow the boat. He only had a station wagon, so I told him that just wouldn't do, but we could get him a nice fully loaded Dodge Ram for $48K. He wanted it all".
The store manager was astounded: "And to think it all began with that man asking for fish hooks." The boy said: "Oh no, it all began with him asking for some $3.25 tampons for his girlfriend, and I said, "Well you won't be doing much this weekend so you might as well go fishing!"
Mike and John went fishing. Mike caught a beautiful mermaid.
He looked at her with delight, examined her and threw her back into the water.
John: - "But why?"
Mike (sadly): - "But how?"
What they find?
"I can't understand what they find so fascinating about sitting on a river bank all day gazed at the water..."
One fisherman went on fishing trip with his wife and mother-in-law. In the evening, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The man took a swig of whiskey and started to look for her. Not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a lake and a large crocodile stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the husband. "The crocodile got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
A sports writer interviewed the 14 time world champing female fisherman.
"What is your secret, do you have a favorite side of the boat or special lure?"
"No" - was the replay to the lure. "As far as the side of the boat that depends on my husband."
Report says: "I don't understand."
"Well it is this way; I lift up the sheets in the morning and look at my husband's dong, if it is lying on his right leg I fish on the right side of the boat, if on the left I fish on the left side of the boat."
Reporter: "What if it is standing up???"
"Well then to hell with going fishing!!!"
The other side
Two blondes were fishing on an opposite sides of the river and using the same tackle. How ever only one young blond was catching fish, and she was catching a lot.
Finally the other blond couldn't stand it any longer and she asked "How do you get to the other side of the river?"
The other blond thought about it for a while and finally answered "You are already there."
Intelligent Jewish family. Fira, 17-year-old daughter, is pregnant. All are in shock, mother takes antidepressant and wipes her tears with napkins, Dad sullenly drinks cognac. Everyone is waiting for the arrival of the culprit. The red Ferrari stops at the entrance, an elegant good looking man open the door and get out of the car wearing suit from Cardin and shoes made from a red hippopotamus. He gets into the apartment, looks at the parents and says:
- I'm a very famous person, I have a family, and I can not leave them. However, I will not going to leave your daughter as well. This is my desicion. If your daughter gives birth to a boy, he will inherit two of my plants, $20 million, will get education at Harvard, and your daughter will have a lifetime support of $2 million a year.
If she gives birth to a girl, she will inherit my factory, $10 million, she will get an education in Oxford, your daughter will have a lifetime support of $1 million.
Well, if she has a miscarriage ...
Then the father gets up, puts the glass on the table, pours it, goes to the man, puts his hand on his shoulder and says:
- Then you will try again ...